For two days this week, I had the pleasure of entertaining our three grandchildren, ages two, 21 months,and three months. I've loved observing their behavior and watching them do things that I never seemed to have time to dwell on when ours were toddlers. It has also brought back memories, some good, some bad, and most humorous. Take, for instance, the incident I recorded in my journal a few years ago:
"Yesterday I went shopping for a birthday gift for somebody at the trendy clothing store where all the young women shop. I had with me two sons, ages 7 and 3. I lectured them thoroughly before we went inside that they were to behave themselves while I shopped. They vowed to be sweeter than angels. But somehow, when they got inside and saw all the clothes dangling temptingly from the rods, and the neat little nooks and crannies which made perfect hiding places, they forgot their promise. They simply couldn't’t resist the temptations. As I perused the clothes and gift items, I ran into an older woman who I had always thought was very charming and sophisticated, not to mention someone who always seemed “together.” She told me what cute little boys I had. She had to say something; they had interrupted me three times in our five- minute conversation, so I could hardly ignore them. When she walked away I turned to reprimand them severely, but they had vanished. I tried to look nonchalant and collected as I searched the store, and just as I encountered the same gracious lady at the cash register, they jumped out from behind the counter and went, “Agggghhhh!” I was so embarrassed!
When we got back in the car, I made it crystal clear that I was disappointed (to put it mildly) at their behavior. I told them we were going to the grocery store (I am such a sadist), and there would be NO treats for them and that they would be on danger of extinction if they acted up. They reacted typically; the sensitive 7-year-old withdrew into a little slump on the front seat, while the younger one was slightly penitent but insisted that his brother “made” him run around in the store. I think he really wanted to make me feel that it was my fault for taking him in there with all those temptations in the first place.
We had slightly better results in the grocery store. The older child was perfectly behaved, wanting to make reconciliation with me. The younger one was a bit less cooperative. He asked for four different packs of bubblegum (which he did not get), took off his socks and shoes, and drug his little feet on the floor to slow down the buggy. I saw another mother (of only two children). She commented on our somewhat unique family structure, and said, 'Why don’t you write a book?'”
It was comments like these that inspired me to share what I think today's young mothers need to hear. Children are at times tiring,embarrassing,frustrating,
and absolutely worth every second that we spend with them. The day I came home from that shopping trip, I needed to hear that reassurance. Now I'm in a position to give it. I want all you wonderful young moms to know that it's SO worth the short-lived moments of stress.
Header Photo
Friday, July 24, 2009
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
STAYING AT HOME
Provers31:28
Her children rise up and call her blessed..
There was a time that I actually worried that I was spending too much of my time with the boys. I seemed to get the impression from most of the people I was around that every mother deserved to have a life of her own, that being with the children most of the time caused too much dependence from them and that her brain would atrophy in the process. It took me a while to realize that most of my frustrations came from trying to do what I perceived expected from me. One night, all this came to a head after an episode with our oldest two sons (ages 9 and 7 at the time). From my journal:
“What a day!!! I have had a lot of pieces of the puzzle to begin to fit today. It all started this morning (as days usually do) when our oldest son wanted to stay at home from school because of a sore throat (?). I didn’t challenge his excuse, and I went upstairs to work at my desk while he stayed downstairs with our housekeeper to help entertain the “little boys.” In a few minutes I heard a wail. I came down to discover that he had put the youngest son ( 1-year) in the dumbwaiter and sent him down to the basement…with the baby’s hand caught between the dumbwaiter compartment and the wall. By the time I got to them, his chubby little hand was scraped and swollen and the Culprit was trying desperately to shush him from crying. I couldn’t decide which was more urgent, to comfort the baby and make sure his hand wasn’t broken or to choke his big brother. I decided that it would be punishment enough to make the Older One accompany us to the doctor’s office to check it out.
On the ride back from the doctor visit, I found that I had a cocktail mixture of emotions: relief that the hand was fine, hope that no irreparable fears of elevators got planted in the baby’s subconscious, disappointment in our older son’s lack of judgment, and anger that he would have put his little brother at risk… and especially confusion over what this was all about. I kept getting the feeling that there was more than met the eye going on here.
That night, something else happened. The oldest two were showering in our bathroom, and apparently decided to test out my make-up and my good perfume. By this time, my emotions were clear: I was mad! I got the paddle and was ready to let loose on them when the Older got extremely upset (apparently it was Number Two’s idea). I sensed that he needed to talk. So standing in his underwear with his pajamas around his ankles and tears streaming down his cheeks, we ended up discussing what exactly he was feeling inside. Obviously there were things that they needed from me that they weren’t getting. I wrote them down:
1. For me to always go to church with them (in other words, Not stay home to rest)
2. Have something to look forward to on weekends, like having a friend over or going shopping with me, out of town; an occasional ballgame or movie.
3. Have story time or Bible reading every night, snuggled in our bed.
4. For me to be available to study with them, individually and privately, in the afternoons.
What this all boils down to is that what they really want is my participation in every aspect of their lives…their spiritual life, their school life, and their home life. I have come to the conclusion that I need to devote practically every waking minute to them, that I must stay organized enough to have time to spend with them and not have so many things going on that I’m too tired to participate in things. Sounds like I must lay down my life for my children! If I wind up with unappreciative, spoiled brats, then I’m wrong. If I end up with children who will rise up and called me blessed, then I’m doing exactly what God has called me to do. I only have one chance at it. I’m choosing to give it all to them. Somehow, deep in my spirit, I believe I’m making the right choice.”
Two months later, I observed that the plan was working. I found that I was organizing my time better. I felt so much better physically. I didn’t always have that guilty feeling that I had failed to meet the needs of the family. We had maintained the schedule of studying in the afternoons (which was nothing more than calling out a few spelling words, but it was “quality time” with Mom). We read books and/or the Bible before the boys went to bed, and they loved it! I could see them becoming more cooperative.
One day I looked on the bathroom counter, and the toothpaste tube was squeezed from the bottom. I had that moment of inspiration. I thought, “That’s the kind of family I want us to be, one where everyone squeezes the tube from the bottom!”
Pretty trivial, I know, but it was a good word picture. My husband and I were giving a talk at a church once and I’m not sure what our subject was, but when I shared the picture of the toothpaste tube, the audience broke out in spontaneous applause. Steven Covey is right (as expressed in his book, Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families): a family needs a shared goal, a family mission statement that expresses what makes it unique. Getting all seven of us to agree on any one thing has been a challenge to me. As the boys have grown up, with all their individual temperament and personality traits, their personal preferences and diverse needs, the job of keeping us united has been difficult… and time consuming.
Journal Entry:
“Over and over I realize that the secret to good parenting is to zero in on each child individually. That takes time…all your time! But when a child is conceived, your time is no longer your own anyway. Our pastor says that what “rights” we lay down will be returned to us as privileges. I believe that in applying this principle to children, it means that investing time in their development when they need it will result in better-adjusted, self-disciplined, and more self-reliant individuals. Consequently, as they mature, you as a mother will be blessed with more time of your own---fewer trips to the school counselor’s office, fewer discipline problems at home, and moments of quiet and peace rather than anxiety when they are not together with you.”
Now I know: It’s true!
Provers31:28
Her children rise up and call her blessed..
There was a time that I actually worried that I was spending too much of my time with the boys. I seemed to get the impression from most of the people I was around that every mother deserved to have a life of her own, that being with the children most of the time caused too much dependence from them and that her brain would atrophy in the process. It took me a while to realize that most of my frustrations came from trying to do what I perceived expected from me. One night, all this came to a head after an episode with our oldest two sons (ages 9 and 7 at the time). From my journal:
“What a day!!! I have had a lot of pieces of the puzzle to begin to fit today. It all started this morning (as days usually do) when our oldest son wanted to stay at home from school because of a sore throat (?). I didn’t challenge his excuse, and I went upstairs to work at my desk while he stayed downstairs with our housekeeper to help entertain the “little boys.” In a few minutes I heard a wail. I came down to discover that he had put the youngest son ( 1-year) in the dumbwaiter and sent him down to the basement…with the baby’s hand caught between the dumbwaiter compartment and the wall. By the time I got to them, his chubby little hand was scraped and swollen and the Culprit was trying desperately to shush him from crying. I couldn’t decide which was more urgent, to comfort the baby and make sure his hand wasn’t broken or to choke his big brother. I decided that it would be punishment enough to make the Older One accompany us to the doctor’s office to check it out.
On the ride back from the doctor visit, I found that I had a cocktail mixture of emotions: relief that the hand was fine, hope that no irreparable fears of elevators got planted in the baby’s subconscious, disappointment in our older son’s lack of judgment, and anger that he would have put his little brother at risk… and especially confusion over what this was all about. I kept getting the feeling that there was more than met the eye going on here.
That night, something else happened. The oldest two were showering in our bathroom, and apparently decided to test out my make-up and my good perfume. By this time, my emotions were clear: I was mad! I got the paddle and was ready to let loose on them when the Older got extremely upset (apparently it was Number Two’s idea). I sensed that he needed to talk. So standing in his underwear with his pajamas around his ankles and tears streaming down his cheeks, we ended up discussing what exactly he was feeling inside. Obviously there were things that they needed from me that they weren’t getting. I wrote them down:
1. For me to always go to church with them (in other words, Not stay home to rest)
2. Have something to look forward to on weekends, like having a friend over or going shopping with me, out of town; an occasional ballgame or movie.
3. Have story time or Bible reading every night, snuggled in our bed.
4. For me to be available to study with them, individually and privately, in the afternoons.
What this all boils down to is that what they really want is my participation in every aspect of their lives…their spiritual life, their school life, and their home life. I have come to the conclusion that I need to devote practically every waking minute to them, that I must stay organized enough to have time to spend with them and not have so many things going on that I’m too tired to participate in things. Sounds like I must lay down my life for my children! If I wind up with unappreciative, spoiled brats, then I’m wrong. If I end up with children who will rise up and called me blessed, then I’m doing exactly what God has called me to do. I only have one chance at it. I’m choosing to give it all to them. Somehow, deep in my spirit, I believe I’m making the right choice.”
Two months later, I observed that the plan was working. I found that I was organizing my time better. I felt so much better physically. I didn’t always have that guilty feeling that I had failed to meet the needs of the family. We had maintained the schedule of studying in the afternoons (which was nothing more than calling out a few spelling words, but it was “quality time” with Mom). We read books and/or the Bible before the boys went to bed, and they loved it! I could see them becoming more cooperative.
One day I looked on the bathroom counter, and the toothpaste tube was squeezed from the bottom. I had that moment of inspiration. I thought, “That’s the kind of family I want us to be, one where everyone squeezes the tube from the bottom!”
Pretty trivial, I know, but it was a good word picture. My husband and I were giving a talk at a church once and I’m not sure what our subject was, but when I shared the picture of the toothpaste tube, the audience broke out in spontaneous applause. Steven Covey is right (as expressed in his book, Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families): a family needs a shared goal, a family mission statement that expresses what makes it unique. Getting all seven of us to agree on any one thing has been a challenge to me. As the boys have grown up, with all their individual temperament and personality traits, their personal preferences and diverse needs, the job of keeping us united has been difficult… and time consuming.
Journal Entry:
“Over and over I realize that the secret to good parenting is to zero in on each child individually. That takes time…all your time! But when a child is conceived, your time is no longer your own anyway. Our pastor says that what “rights” we lay down will be returned to us as privileges. I believe that in applying this principle to children, it means that investing time in their development when they need it will result in better-adjusted, self-disciplined, and more self-reliant individuals. Consequently, as they mature, you as a mother will be blessed with more time of your own---fewer trips to the school counselor’s office, fewer discipline problems at home, and moments of quiet and peace rather than anxiety when they are not together with you.”
Now I know: It’s true!
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Did you say Purpose?
John 17: 4
“I glorified Thee on earth, having accomplished the work which thou gavest me to do.”
For several months, Rick Warren’s book The Purpose Driven Life was a best seller. I wonder if the reason was because everybody needs to believe that their life has a purpose; if not, then why stay here? Maybe if the book had been written at the time, I would have come to my conclusion sooner, but it took me a few years to realize what my life was all about. I fantasized about all the things that God must have needed me to do. I was so sure that a woman with my amazing talents and personality was indispensable to Him. The problem, as I saw it, was the fact that I had all these little children running around me and taking up my time. The universe was no doubt on “hold” until they were old enough to fend for themselves and didn’t need to constantly share my space. Sometimes I would feel that the world was passing me by, and this would cause me to be very discontented and impatient at having to go unnoticed. I thought about my short-lived high school teaching career that I loved, or my dream of doing TV commercials, or maybe even wanting to become involved with a singing group. There were so many things I could do!
One day my thinking changed. This is how I recorded my epiphany (my “Ah-ha” moment):
Today I was sitting in the living room and thinking about my life. I realized that I wasn’t satisfied doing what I was doing (which seems like fulltime babysitting). I came across a verse of scripture in John 17:4 where Jesus says that He accomplished the work God gave Him to do. I started asking myself, What work has God given me to do? What does He want me to accomplish? For what purpose, in God’s sight do I exist?
Three of the boys were playing with their trucks on the floor. As I looked at them, I felt the Holy Spirit saying to me “If Jesus were here right now, where would He be?” The answer came immediately: “He would be on the floor, playing with your children.”
All of a sudden, I knew the answer to my question. My purpose is to be the mother of five happy, well-adjusted, self-disciplined Christian men.
When that realization came to me, I felt the most incredible sense of relief. It was as though I had wrestled with the angel and gotten the blessing that I was seeking. My struggle is over, and I am ready to take on the task.
It is amazing how this discovery changed my life. I’m not saying it made the daily tasks any less challenging, but now I had a goal in sight. I also realized that God had called and equipped me, and only me, for this particular assignment. Several life-changing attitudes were birthed in me as a result.
First, I found that it was much easier to establish priorities. I knew enough about goal-setting to know that if something doesn’t contribute to the desired end, it needs to be eliminated. Knowing that made it much easier to say NO to invitations and activities that took too much of my time and were unproductive for steering my boys in the right direction. I realized that I didn’t have to be at every social function that included me ; I didn’t have to entertain a certain way; I could decline certain invitations without feeling that I was throwing away my last chance; Our boys didn’t have to be involved with every single activity that was available to them. With all this wonderful freedom I experienced, I soon realized that there were some marvelous bonus discoveries. One, I didn’t have to compare myself to other mothers. I believed that God had designed and equipped our family for His unique purposes, and they might not be just like everybody else’s. Two, I felt released from self-condemnation. I came to the conclusion that not everybody was going to agree with me, think like me, or (most astounding discovery), even LIKE me, and that was okay. There is a quote that says, “You may not be Somebody to the world, but you might be the world to Somebody.” I had five little “Somebodies” to whom I was the world.
Second, I became aware that my biggest fears were diminished. If God had created me to mother these young men, I could trust Him to protect and preserve my life until that task was complete. I had no more fears about dying young or being incapacitated. I would be able to complete the work that He started in me. (cf. ). In other words, God wouldn’t let me half- finish my assignment. I also believed that He would give me the wisdom I needed to carry out the task, because I knew nothing about rearing children. After all, I’d never even changed a diaper!
Third, I must have learned to trust God’s promise to give us wisdom when we need it, as it says in James 1:5. Since both their dad and I were only children, we had never had experience with anyone but ourselves. We certainly didn’t know anything about sibling rivalry (but we learned fast!). To the casual observer, one might conclude that we were “flying by the seat of our pants” (whatever in the heck that mean), but since we didn’t know what to do from experience, we trusted that the impressions we received were God’s leading. I came across a plaque which said, “Give me wisdom Mary had when she raised her little Lad.” I reasoned that Mary didn’t know how to rear the Son of God, but had to rely on her impressions from God. If I were going to rear five little boys to become sons of God, then I had to do likewise.
Fourth, I discovered that the more time I spent with the boys, the more I wanted to be with them. By the time they were in Jr-high, they had become my best friends. At some point I put my decision on paper:
I have decided that the most important thing I can do just now is devote time to our family. This means I have to abandon extra activities that sap me of my energy and time. Some might think that this is a mistake, that my focus will become too narrow, and my brain turn to mush. That’s the chance I’ll have to take. When our sons are one the other side of childhood, I’ll know if this is the right choice.
Wow! Was it ever the right choice! When I look now at our incredible Renaissance Men
“I glorified Thee on earth, having accomplished the work which thou gavest me to do.”
For several months, Rick Warren’s book The Purpose Driven Life was a best seller. I wonder if the reason was because everybody needs to believe that their life has a purpose; if not, then why stay here? Maybe if the book had been written at the time, I would have come to my conclusion sooner, but it took me a few years to realize what my life was all about. I fantasized about all the things that God must have needed me to do. I was so sure that a woman with my amazing talents and personality was indispensable to Him. The problem, as I saw it, was the fact that I had all these little children running around me and taking up my time. The universe was no doubt on “hold” until they were old enough to fend for themselves and didn’t need to constantly share my space. Sometimes I would feel that the world was passing me by, and this would cause me to be very discontented and impatient at having to go unnoticed. I thought about my short-lived high school teaching career that I loved, or my dream of doing TV commercials, or maybe even wanting to become involved with a singing group. There were so many things I could do!
One day my thinking changed. This is how I recorded my epiphany (my “Ah-ha” moment):
Today I was sitting in the living room and thinking about my life. I realized that I wasn’t satisfied doing what I was doing (which seems like fulltime babysitting). I came across a verse of scripture in John 17:4 where Jesus says that He accomplished the work God gave Him to do. I started asking myself, What work has God given me to do? What does He want me to accomplish? For what purpose, in God’s sight do I exist?
Three of the boys were playing with their trucks on the floor. As I looked at them, I felt the Holy Spirit saying to me “If Jesus were here right now, where would He be?” The answer came immediately: “He would be on the floor, playing with your children.”
All of a sudden, I knew the answer to my question. My purpose is to be the mother of five happy, well-adjusted, self-disciplined Christian men.
When that realization came to me, I felt the most incredible sense of relief. It was as though I had wrestled with the angel and gotten the blessing that I was seeking. My struggle is over, and I am ready to take on the task.
It is amazing how this discovery changed my life. I’m not saying it made the daily tasks any less challenging, but now I had a goal in sight. I also realized that God had called and equipped me, and only me, for this particular assignment. Several life-changing attitudes were birthed in me as a result.
First, I found that it was much easier to establish priorities. I knew enough about goal-setting to know that if something doesn’t contribute to the desired end, it needs to be eliminated. Knowing that made it much easier to say NO to invitations and activities that took too much of my time and were unproductive for steering my boys in the right direction. I realized that I didn’t have to be at every social function that included me ; I didn’t have to entertain a certain way; I could decline certain invitations without feeling that I was throwing away my last chance; Our boys didn’t have to be involved with every single activity that was available to them. With all this wonderful freedom I experienced, I soon realized that there were some marvelous bonus discoveries. One, I didn’t have to compare myself to other mothers. I believed that God had designed and equipped our family for His unique purposes, and they might not be just like everybody else’s. Two, I felt released from self-condemnation. I came to the conclusion that not everybody was going to agree with me, think like me, or (most astounding discovery), even LIKE me, and that was okay. There is a quote that says, “You may not be Somebody to the world, but you might be the world to Somebody.” I had five little “Somebodies” to whom I was the world.
Second, I became aware that my biggest fears were diminished. If God had created me to mother these young men, I could trust Him to protect and preserve my life until that task was complete. I had no more fears about dying young or being incapacitated. I would be able to complete the work that He started in me. (cf. ). In other words, God wouldn’t let me half- finish my assignment. I also believed that He would give me the wisdom I needed to carry out the task, because I knew nothing about rearing children. After all, I’d never even changed a diaper!
Third, I must have learned to trust God’s promise to give us wisdom when we need it, as it says in James 1:5. Since both their dad and I were only children, we had never had experience with anyone but ourselves. We certainly didn’t know anything about sibling rivalry (but we learned fast!). To the casual observer, one might conclude that we were “flying by the seat of our pants” (whatever in the heck that mean), but since we didn’t know what to do from experience, we trusted that the impressions we received were God’s leading. I came across a plaque which said, “Give me wisdom Mary had when she raised her little Lad.” I reasoned that Mary didn’t know how to rear the Son of God, but had to rely on her impressions from God. If I were going to rear five little boys to become sons of God, then I had to do likewise.
Fourth, I discovered that the more time I spent with the boys, the more I wanted to be with them. By the time they were in Jr-high, they had become my best friends. At some point I put my decision on paper:
I have decided that the most important thing I can do just now is devote time to our family. This means I have to abandon extra activities that sap me of my energy and time. Some might think that this is a mistake, that my focus will become too narrow, and my brain turn to mush. That’s the chance I’ll have to take. When our sons are one the other side of childhood, I’ll know if this is the right choice.
Wow! Was it ever the right choice! When I look now at our incredible Renaissance Men
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