Looking at 40 (Years of Marriage)


We just celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary. The thing that has stuck out to me for the past three days has been the blessing of loving family relationships, and I have seen this in some unexpected ways. For example, I have been reading a book by Nicholas Sparks, entitled Three Weeks with My Brother. It’s a memoir of a trip he took with his brother and in it he tells the true story of what their family was like growing up. By today’s definitions, their family would be classified as dysfunctional and dirt poor, the kind of circumstances that anyone looking for an excuse for anti-social behavior and self-pity could exploit. However, the Sparks brothers not only made the best of their situation, but went on to become admirable and successful individuals. (After all, who could deny anything less from books-made-into-movies like The Notebook and Message in a Bottle?) Realizing the challenges that Nicholas Sparks faced as he was writing these novels made me even more of a fan of his than I was already. The thing that impressed me most about the book was the value that he placed on family and familial relationships, although his childhood was so far from perfect. The purpose behind his memoir was to depict the importance and the privilege of protecting and cherishing the bonds that exist within a family.
The same theme was evident in a movie we went to see on our recent “date night.” We saw The Proposal. It’s a light, entertaining movie with no real depth except that it also expresses the desire that everyone has to find family connections. In it, the hardened, self-reliant and self-sufficient book editor, played by Sandra Bullock, gets teary-eyed when she realizes that she yearns for family relationships.
The REAL thing, however, was not what I read and saw that somebody else had written about. The golden experience for me and for my husband of 40 years was the celebration of our own family relationships, ours with each other and ours with our “boys.” Two of our five sons met us on our anniversary weekend to play golf with their dad and have dinner with us. The other three called to wish us a Happy Anniversary and, along with their wives, tell us how much they loved and appreciated us.
Nobody has to verbalize how precious our times together are. I think the realization hit us all at the same time, that the opportunity to enjoy having a loving family is not something that we should take for granted. Gathering only once or twice during the year, as some families do either out of necessity or by choice, is not acceptable in our case. As I have many times before, I thanked God for having daughters-in-law who recognize the precious and rare quality that our sons have in their relationships, and how easily and quickly it can be lost by neglect or by tragedy. Frequently the girls have made a sacrifice of personal time with their husbands in order to let the men get together and become brothers all aver again.
Being married 40 years has made us develop an appreciation and a devotion to one another that we didn’t know in our earlier years. It goes beyond the notion of “romance,” although it is totally romantic. What does that mean?
It means that sometimes I ride in the golf cart with him just because he likes for me to, even though I am totally bored with the activity (I’d rather be writing), but it’s a chance for me to see him doing something he enjoys and makes him “show off” for me. For the same reason, I get a chuckle out of taking a picture of my man on his riding lawn mower (after he has finished with the push mower), grinning and waving at me. (This is the same man who has never done “yard work” until the past few years.)
It means that we go to the gym together and do our strength training with a personal trainer. We see her as young and cute and she sees us as old(er) and cute! We recently were invited to her 40th surprise birthday party, along with her young(er) friends!
It means that he gets a haircut, and if I fail to realize it, he makes a little comment about himself that tells me he wants me to notice, and it makes me giggle.
It means that he has started always shaving with a “real” razor instead of the electric one just because I like the way it makes his face feel.
It means that most of the time, we run errands together, because…well, just because. Things like going to the grocery store. However, there are times that he stops by to pick up a few things for me and frequently comes home with a surprise… usually a bunch of fresh flowers! If I don’t notice the surprise, I can always tell something is up by the satisfied little smile he tries to hide.
It means that we love to get up early in the mornings, sharing our quiet time with the Lord first, and then our coffee with each other while sitting on our patio.
It means that we never, ever take for granted the precious moments that we have with our sons, their wives, or our grandchildren.
It also means that on some days, when we realize that nobody is at home besides us, we say,” We have the house all to ourselves!” Then we smile at each other with 40 years of understanding between us.